I am thankful.

Today is Thanksgiving and over the past few days I have been reflecting on what I am most thankful for...

1. I am thankful for my daughter. She is beautiful inside and out. She is kind. She is passionate. She is smart. She is innocent. I could not have wished for a more wonderful blessing than my daughter.
2. I am thankful for my parents. They are generous. They are loving. They are forgiving. My life as I know it would not have been possible without the support my parents provide for me. I am a good parent because I learned from the best.
3. I am thankful for my sister and her wonderful husband. They are faithful. They are fun. They are determined. I love them for so many reasons and I miss them terribly.
4. I am thankful for my house. It is a struggle to live on my own, but it's an answer to many prayers.
5. I am thankful for my job. Not only am I blessed to have a stable job that provides for me and my little family, but I am honored to be a presence in the lives of many, many teenagers.
6. Finally, and definitely most importantly, I am thankful for my beautiful, loving, faithful, forgiving heavenly Father and his perfect Son, my Savior, my Jesus. My God is so amazing that He sent His son to die for me. I was hopeless, but I have been saved and the concept of this is sometimes too hard to fathom...

I came across a passage in the Bible that expresses my thanks better than I could ever articulate.

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving thanks.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness;

come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the Lord is God.

It is he who made us, and we are his;

we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise;

give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Salvation by faith...

At the very beginning of my spiritual journey my sister bought a Bible for me. I actually didn't even own one before then. The Bible she bought for me is totally awesome! It is a New International Version Life Application Study Bible. Basically, within the Bible there is commentary that explains certain things, gives historical background information, and biographies and insight. I love reading all the extra information along with my daily scripture reading.

A few weeks ago as I was reading through Colossians, I came across a very interesting chart that explains the differences between trying to obtain religion through self-effort instead of gaining salvation through faith. I think this is something many people struggle with - thinking, "If I can only change this about myself then I will be good enough." But that is exactly the wrong type of thinking. It is not US who changes ourselves, it is the Holy Spirit through our acceptance of Jesus Christ our Savior.

Here's a little of what the chart says:

Salvation by faith in Christ sounds to easy for many people. They would rather think that they have done something to save themselves. Their religion becomes one of self-effort that leads either to disappointment or pride, but finally to eternal death. Christ's simple way is the only way, and it alone leads to eternal life.

Basically, through religion by self-effort, this is the process:

1. Goal--> We try to please God through our own good deeds.
2. Means --> We practice diligent service, discipline, and obedience in hope of reward.
3. Power --> We put up a good, honest effort through self-determination.
4. Control --> This is done through self-motivation and self-control.
5. Results --> From all of this, we often feel chronic guilt, apathy, depression, failure, and a constant desire for approval.

However, through salvation by faith:

1. Goal --> We trust in Christ and then live to please God.
2. Means --> We confess, submit, and commit ourselves to Christ's control.
3. Power --> The Holy Spirit in us helps us to do good work for Christ's kingdom.
4. Control --> Christ is in us; we are in Christ.
5. Results --> From all of this, we will feel joy, thankfulness, love, guidance, service, and forgiveness.

I fully admit that I am guilty of thinking that I need to do something to change. I need to stop judging others, I need to stop having one to many drinks, I need to be more responsible at work, I, I, I, I... But it's not I. I am not in charge. When I accepted Christ, I accepted the Holy Spirit into my body. It's not by what I do that will change me but by the Holy Spirit.

Paul says in Galatians:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. ~ Galatians 5:22-26

So, in essence, we can do nothing, change nothing without the grace of our Lord. He is the one who is in control. The fact that I am even writing this post about salvation by faith is a testament to how much God is in control. I mean, who would have ever thought that I would be writing a very spiritually based blog?! I NEVER would have even considered this a few years ago. But God has been working in me, changing me, tweaking me, sanctifying me. And oh wow do I have a LONG way to go... but I thank the Lord every day for his unending love and grace.

And finally, our salvation through Christ Jesus is summed up again by Paul in Romans:

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. ~ Romans 5:1-2

Contentment

I know in my last blog post I said I would continue my thoughts on Ephesians... but time simply got away from me. I still am in love with the letter that Paul wrote and I think about it often. So now I would like to talk about another of Paul's letters. This is from his letter to Timothy, who was like a son to Paul. Timothy was in Ephesus and Paul wrote this letter to him to encourage him in his leadership role. The following is something I read today that really stuck with me.

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. I Timothy 6: 6-10

I love the first line - "But godliness with contentment is great gain." If we combine godliness with being content in life then we will experience great gain! I feel so encouraged from this.

"For we brought nothing into the world, and we take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that." How true is this?! We can not take ANYTHING with us when we die so why waste contentment with anything besides our basic needs?

This next line is powerful - "Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction." Wow. I am guilty of this... I've wanted to get rich. If I'm honest, I still feel that if I had more money or even an unlimited amount of money my life would be much easier. But that's exactly the opposite of what Paul is saying. Money is not contentment. In fact it can really lead us into destruction.

And here's the most famous line, one that is often misquoted - "For the LOVE of money is a root of all kinds of evil." Money is not evil. Having a lot of money doesn't make one evil. It's the LOVE of money, making money the most important thing, making it an idol that is evil.

And the last line - "Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." This is something I do not want to ever do, wander from the faith. It took me so long to get here that I can't imagine wandering from faith, but it can happen so easily. It only takes a slight change, a slight exception, etc. and wham, faith is far from you.

So I'm going to remember this - "But godliness with contentment is great gain." I am content and I am living by the Spirit therefore by the grace of God I am in possession of great gain!

Ponderings on Ephesians...

As I have written about before, this is my first year to read through the Bible. In case you haven't read my previous posts, I am reading the Bible through the Daily Audio Bible. A wonderful servant of God, Brian Hardin, reads a little out of the Old Testament, the New Testament, Psalm, and Proverbs everyday and he makes his podcast available to anyone to download for FREE. Anyway, as this is my first year, this is my first experience with many of the books of the Bible. I love getting to a new book and learning about the history of the book, as well as gaining whatever God has in store for me.

I just recently finished the book of Ephesians. W.O.W. This book is so rich with insight, wisdom, and virtue that I need to go back and read it again. Paul is the author and he truly was divinely inspired because what he had to say makes so much sense, even for now 2000 years later. I'm going to hit a few highlights of what really spoke to me. Before I do that though, let me just write a little disclaimer: Obviously I am no Bible scholar. What I write is what I got from my reading and is therefore my conclusion. :)

To start off Paul writes this in chapter 1, verses 4-6:

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

Isn't that amazing?! God chose us before creation! I find that to be so comforting and awe-inspiring...

Next, in chapter 3, verses 16-19:

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being; so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Paul prayed that we may have the power to know how much God loves us. God's love for us is so huge, that it goes beyond all human comprehension. I can not understand it. There are some things that we are not meant to really understand until the given time and this is one of those things. Yes, I know God's love for me is steadfast and faithful and bigger than any love ever imagined, but can I really, truly know what that feels like until I see his radiant son? I don't know... But the fact that he loves me this much is enough for me right now.

Moving on to chapter 4, verses 17-19:

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

I know this one seems a little harsh. At least it does to me because I feel it describes many people in this world exactly. The "Gentiles" here is referring to non-believers, or at least that is what I think. Why do I think this passage describes many people today? Because a few years ago, this was me. (And still is from time to time...) I was darkened in my understanding - I had none! I was separated from God because I separated myself. I'm just thankful that my heart was not hardened. Thank you Jesus...

I have more I want to get out, but it will have to wait. I am so so tired and if I continue to write, I will not get it out exactly as I want it. So I will end with this note / comment:

God chose me before he created the world. His love for me surpasses all knowledge. I was in a dark place, separated from God with the impending hardening of my heart, but Jesus saved me. He waited patiently for me to return to him. I am not worthy of his love, but he gives it freely and sincerely. Man, God is awesome.

I heart the Duggars!

So I'll just come out and say it. I love the Duggars! You know, the family with 19 kids... I love them! I want to go on record saying that they appear to me to be such a loving and faithful family. Every time I see the show, I am always impressed at how well behaved and well adjusted the kids seem to be. I love the fact that the whole family puts God first. Their love for the Lord is so evident in how they live their every day lives, and it is also obvious that the Lord has truly blessed this family, not only with children, but with inspiring others around the world.

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
~ Psalm 127:3 from NLT

What I can't understand is all the hate directed towards this family. Obviously having so many kids is not for everyone, but who are we as a society to dictate how many kids one can have? Those 19 kids seem much more "normal" than a heck of a lot of my high school students! There is so much judgement and negativity towards this family and it really isn't right. It is not our place to judge anyone.

Jesus said in Matthew 7:

3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

So I say woohoo for the Duggars! I'm thankful there is a wholesome show to watch that is also fun!

Scripture memory, for real.

So my 5 followers may be wondering why I haven't written since July... Well, the real reason is that I was waiting for that "perfect" blog idea. Most nights I open up my blog and think to myself, nah, that's not a great blog idea. Who would want to read about that. But you know what? I'm tired of waiting for perfect. ha!

Tonight I want to share with everyone just how wonderful God is. He is my rock, my friend, my father, my savior, my wisdom, my love. I look back on the years of my life when I was living without Him and I wonder how on earth I did that. I simply can not imagine my life without talking to, thinking about, talking about, writing about, worshipping, praying to, crying to, holding on to, being with God.

Every year my life seems to get just a bit busier. This year (and just so you know, I think in terms of school years) is the busiest yet! Monday and Tuesday I rush home to get Madi and take her to riding, Wednesday I tutor, I often bartend on Saturday and serve at church on Sunday. Monday through Wednesday I wake up at 5am, leave the house by 7:30am, and don't get home until about 7:30pm. Thursday and Friday I try to not schedule anything afterschool but I really want to start a small group and I think it will be on Thursdays. During the week I try to keep the house clean, but by Friday it's always a mess. So Saturday is heavy cleaning day, and grocery trip day. But that's only if there isn't a horse show to go to which means waking up yet again at 5am to be there by 6:30am. And all of this is only outside of work... During the work day I have my 150+ students to deal with, plus their parents, plus grading papers, plus lesson planning, plus meetings, plus committees (where I seem to be the one to do most of the work), plus mentoring a new teacher (who is awesome!). Sheesh... I think you get the idea. lol! By no means do I think I live the world's busiest life or do I feel sorry for myself. Please don't think that! I just sometimes feel that I have all these balls I'm juggling and it can get a little hairy at times.

My point is this: I've been feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. And for those of you who know me pretty well, I really don't stress that easily. So, a few weeks ago when I was almost to the breaking point, I decided to turn to something that I knew would be able to help me. I turned to God's word.

A few days earlier, I was reading an awesome book called "A Voice in the Wind" by Francine Rivers and the main character was reciting a Psalm. That Psalm stuck with me and in the midst of my stress, I felt lead to memorize the whole thing. Now, I had thought about memorizing scripture before, and had memorized some already, but not something so long. So what I did was write it down on a notecard and basically bring that card with me wherever I went. After a few days I had it memorized and I would say it to myself when I was feeling particularily stressed.

Here's the scripture:

Psalm 23 (NIV)

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me. You rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You annoint my head with oil. My cup overflows. Surely goodness and love with follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

It's amazing how such a simple solution can do wonders for a complicated life. God's word is so powerful. I feel that memorizing His word brings me closer to my Lord... because I am thinking about Him, and I feel that He is speaking to me.

So the next week, I wanted to memorize another longer piece of scripture. I found one in Galatians that I really liked. Here it is:

Galatians 5:22-26

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with it's passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying eachother.

Whenever I recite this one, I try to reflect on each fruit of the Spirit. I know that the Holy Spirit is in me and that with the Spirit it is possible to "keep in step with the Spirit".

Now it's a new week and I still haven't decided what to memorize, but I know that God will lead me to what I need. Or maybe He is intending for me to write this instead! LOL!

I think what I've learned through this is to really and truly turn over stress and troubles to God. To put it on His shoulders. He wants to be with you! He wants you to rely on Him. In the past, during difficult times, it was normal for me to pull away from God and turn to more destructive type behaviors. But now that is not my desire. I desire God above all else. And I know He desires me.

The Long Walk

Every July 7 the community of the Daily Audio Bible takes a walk... It's called "The Long Walk" and it's a time to get away for the day and be with God. Being that this is my first full year with the DAB this is also my first Long Walk. When I first heard about it I was excited to think of a place to go. After a little research I finally decided to drive out to Pedernales Falls State Park. My plan was to walk, pray, listen, read from the Bible, and journal about my experience. Here's what I wrote down today...

Upon arriving at the Pedernales Falls (around 10:30am)



I'm sitting in the middle of the falls and I know I'm going to get burned. (I forgot sunscreen...) But Jesus didn't have sunscreen, so I'm going to tough it out. I'm here today to give it ALL to God, and to give ALL of myself to Him. I don't really know how to give everything to Him, but I'm going to try...

A few hours later, now in a different spot...

God isn't speaking words to me. He's putting me in tough and scary situations to teach me to completely trust and rely on Him. Earlier, as I was hiking, I started on a path and came to a fork in the road. I decided God was pointing me left so I went that way. It was BEAUTIFUL and TRANQUIL. I could hear the gentle roar of the river and the happy chirping of birds. For all I knew, I was the only human around. The path was everything and I was sure that God was leading me to an even more beautiful destination. Here's a picture of the path I was on:



What you can't see in the gorgeous picture is that a little ways down the path, there was a spot where a number of spider webs spanned the width of the path. I went from feeling peaceful to scared in about 5 seconds. I did not want to keep going down that path so I turned around. Not five steps into my hike back did I feel the gentle pushing of God. He wanted me to stay on the path I was on, to face my fear and to keep going. But I was scared! I was afraid of the spiders and that I might get bitten. So I decided to arm myself. I found a big stick and knocked down first web. As I was doing that I saw the spider scurry onto the ground. I felt bad that I had destroyed it's web... Well maybe not too bad. After I knocked that one down, there were more in my way. Why did God want me to keep going!? Didn't he see the danger? Didn't he know I was scared? I turned around again. By this time I was crying and shaking (in retrospect, that seems a little dramatic, but that's what happened nonetheless). This time I got maybe 10 steps away when it hit me. I have to COMPLETELY trust God to get me through the obstacle and continue on my path. So, I turned back, with my big stick, and waved it around like a mad woman, knocking down all the webs. Then I ducked (because I was sure the spiders were still going to land on my head), and prayed, and held onto God... and I got through it. He got me through it.

There were more webs along the path and it was scary at times ( I saw an animal skull hanging from a tree... freaky! ) but the path itself was beautiful. And then it just stopped. There was no beautiful destination. But what God taught me is that sometimes it isn't the destination that is important, but it's the journey and most importantly trusting COMPLETELY in Him. I learned that some of the paths God puts us on are meant to grow us, to strengthen us, and to humble us.

Next "scary" situation, in another part of the park...

In another area of the park, where the river isn't quite as dangerous and swimming is allowed, I found myself in quite a precarious situation. Because there were a lot of people in this area and because I wanted more solitude, I decided to walk in the river to find a more secluded spot. The water was about shin high and not moving very quickly. I saw a nice spot across the way and decided to cross the river. As I was crossing, the water became deeper and it was moving much more quickly. Suddenly, I stumbled on a big rock and almost fell completely in! I caught myself on a rock and stood back up, shaking with adrenaline because I knew if I had completely fallen then I would have not only gotten my back pack (and my bible) soaked, but I also would have gotten hurt. At that moment I realized I was in a scary position. I was rooted firmly on the river bed, but if I lifted my foot even an inch, I felt like I would be taken by the force of river. I knew I would not be able to get back without help. So I prayed that God would protect me and keep me safe. I kept saying "Lord keep me safe, help me across" over and over again. As I was saying this I slowly inched each foot forward and clung on with all my strength. As I was getting closer to the side, praying for protection, I almost fell a few times, but each time a great balance would come into me. I was shaking with adrenaline, but I felt strong and I knew that God would get me through it. I finally reached the side and praised and thanked God.

This experience in the river really spoke to me. What I learned, what God taught me is that there are times, many times, when I will get myself in situations that are hard to get out of and that the only safe way out is with God. I can think of a number of precarious situations that I got myself in because I was not thinking clearly. In many of those situations I didn't even think of turning to God, and of course, the outcomes were not favorable. But the next time I feel that I am for sure going to stumble and fall because of where I got myself stuck, I will hold fast to Him and not let go. He will always provide a way out of any scary situation.

Here's a picture of the part of the river where I was almost swept away...



The rest of the day...

I learned a few other things throughout the day. One is that I'm not taking care of my body the way that I should be. I knew this because many times during my hiking I was so out of breath. I really should not have been, but it makes sense seeing as I don't exercise at all. God gave me this amazing and miraculous body. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! And I need to take care of myself.

Another thing I learned is that God loves to spend time with me. There were a few times when I was walking on a trail that I felt like Jesus was walking right along side of me, silently, but smiling and enjoying the fact that I came to this beautiful place just to spend time with Him. I've neglected Him and relied on Him for only what I need and want. I had never dedicated time just for Him, to listen to Him, to walk with Him, and to just be with Him until today.

Probably the most profound lesson I learned has to do with utter and total trust. It's easy to say "I trust in the Lord" but when things get tough how often do we completely rely on Him? I know I am guilty of trying to do things on my own, and only turning to God when I can't do it. To put your entire being of trust in Him is scary, but it is such a beautiful feeling when it finally happens.

On a final note, throughout the day I read various parts of the bible, wherever it opened up. I read a passage out of Daniel and out of Revelation and then I decided to read out of Psalm. I really wanted to read a certain verse, but I couldn't remember which one it was so I just read different Psalms at random. The third or fourth one I read was the one I wanted to read! (And for those of you not familiar with the book of Psalm, there are like 150 Pslams!) Here's the one I read, and I thought is was so fitting for the day. Enjoy...

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord.

Psalm 27: 4-6

And here are some other pictures of my glory-filled day with God...

Hearing God...

How do you hear God?

In this journey of faith that I am and forever will be on, I often hear of people who have "heard" God tell them things. At first, I thought they were a little weird. Then I thought they were a little crazy. But after a while, I actually was jealous. I kept thinking to myself, "I want to hear God! I want him to whisper to me. Heck, I want him to shout down from the heavens and tell me what to do!!!!" And finally, I heard Him.

I think everyone knows that I'm about as single as they come. And I'm generally ok with it. (Don't worry, this isn't a "poor, single girl" blog story.) I'm very picky when it comes to men. I know what I want and I will not settle until I get it. But sometimes the mind and the body don't agree and go for different things...

Awhile back I met a guy who didn't even pop up on my radar. I knew he wasn't the guy for me for various reasons of which I won't name here. He's a nice guy and all, but not right for me. Well, somehow, all of the sudden I became hugely attracted to this guy. I couldn't stop thinking about him, all the while knowing that he was definitely NOT what I wanted in a future husband. So "guy" and I became friends and hung out a few times, just as friends. We played the texting game as well. Eventually it got to be too much for me and I wanted to stop thinking about him. I didn't want these feelings for him. Then a light went on and I remember thinking to myself, "Hey, I need to go to God with this". So I prayed about it...

This is exactly what I prayed (well, maybe not word for word, but the general gist): "Lord, I know this guy is not the one you have for me. I know you have someone special for me and I am waiting patiently and faithfully for him. Please, I ask you to take away my feelings for the wrong guy and to take away my thoughts that have to do with him." I remember saying this prayer as I was doing a little house cleaning. Then later that day as I sat down to the computer, I looked at my phone, hoping to have received a text from the guy. And all of the sudden, a thought came into my head: "Jenna, delete his contact info." At first, I thought maybe that it was my idea, but I didn't really want to delete his info. But the thought was very insistent. So I did. I deleted his info and (I'm not exaggerating) a feeling of peace came over me.

To this day, which is about three weeks later, I have hardly thought about him at all except to think to myself "I haven't thought about so and so in awhile". I KNOW in my heart that what I "thought" was really God talking to me. He spoke to me! But you know what I think is more important and more significant that Him speaking to me (because I now know that He has spoken to me before)? The fact that I OBEYED. I did what He told me to do and HE ANSWERED MY PRAYER! God is so gloriously wonderful! He truly is mysterious and awesome.

So I'll ask you again, how do you hear God?

"Give ear to my words, O Lord,
consider my sighing.
Listen to my cry for help,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray.
In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation."

~ Psalm 5: 1-3 (NIV)

I am here...

The past 36 hours have been quite an emotional roller coaster for me. Yesterday morning, I found out that I was quite possibly going to be surplussed at my school. There is another high school opening up in the district which means not as many students will be attending my school, therefore not as many teachers are needed. Anyone who is surplussed is still guaranteed a job in the district, so you're probably thinking why is it such a big deal... Well, anyone who knows me knows that where I teach is very special to me and it is my home. So the thought of leaving was not only a shock to the system, but just so very saddening.

After the initial shock, I prayed. I asked God to be with me, to help me get through this, to give me courage and strength to accept whatever His will was with grace and positivity. And I felt ok with things. Oh, I was still sad, but I knew that God would put me where he wanted me.

But then, of course, my mind starts wandering... I think back to almost two years ago when I actually resigned from my job. I, for some reason, thought that I wasn't meant to be a teacher anymore. And after a summer of realizing I had made a HUGE mistake, a miracle happened. The person who was hired to take my spot decided to not take the job! And I was able to step right back in before my resignation actually went through. At that moment, I knew that God was telling me, "Jenna, you still have work to do."

So then I wonder and ask God, why did you keep me at my school only to have me leave two years later? Do you need me to go somewhere else? Again, I prayed for clarity, to be able to see His path for me, to know which direction to go, and of course for Him to be with me, and to help me get through it.

I woke up this morning and I felt a weight on me. Driving into work, I spoke with my work BFF and we agreed to meet up for "coffee-n-copies". We do this weekly, sometimes a few times a week just to chat and chill. Immediately after we hung up, a sadness fell on me knowing that I wouldn't be able to do that anymore if I were to leave. Then my thoughts ran to other things I knew I would be sad about. I was just depressed.

I usually listen to podcasts in the car, but I wasn't up for my LOST podcast. (Anyone who knows LOST, knows that you have to pay attention and I was not in any form to pay attention.) So I put on KLOVE and a song came on... Everything else was very quiet, and all I could do is hear this song. I know with every ounce of my being that it was God talking to me. It was so beautiful.

These are some of the lyrics: (song is by Plumb, called "Beautiful History")

I am here
I’m holding you
You’ll make it through this
I am here
I am here

I started crying, not because I was so sad, but because I felt so blessed knowing that He was there with me, holding me.

When I got to school, I went into the lounge for my coffee-n-copy time and was pulled into the principal's office! No, I was not in trouble. LOL! My department chair and my principal wanted to personally tell me that I was going to be returning next year. I am not going anywhere.

God was right. I made it through this... because He was there for me.

Now it is clear to me that I HAVE SOME WORK TO DO!! It's now two times that He has sent this message to me.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Matthew 28:20 NIV

Although I made it through, two other people in the department did not. One of the surplussed teachers is my very good friend whom I will miss so very much. I know we will continue to be good friends, but it just won't be the same at school without her. Te voy a extrañar, Daisy...

Philemon (AKA Philomène / Jenna on Adwoff)

I mentioned in my previous posts that my main intent in writing a blog is to document my trials and errors as a mom. More specifically, in bringing God into not only the life of Madison, but into our relationship. God is at the center of my life and I pray that He will be at the center of Madi's. He blessed me with the magnificent gift of a daughter. It is not only my duty based on what I believe, but as a Christ follower as well to raise her in the instruction of the Lord.

"Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn - for he has done it." Psalm 22:30-31

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4 (Although I choose to substitute "fathers" for "parents".)

Now, for someone who was "raised in the church" this might be second nature. I can imagine that those parents have a plethora of stories, memories, and experiences from which to use now that they are parents. But I really don't have this background knowledge. I didn't grow up with the Bible and with instruction in the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I grew up in a very loving and caring family. Looking back, I know God was present. He was with us. But it wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I really knew the stories in the bible. And even now, I am still learning and processing...

What I'm trying to say is that it's been REALLY hard for me to bring Christ into our lives. For so long it was unnatural for me to have Him play a role in my life and now I'm trying to bring Him up in everyday conversation... Needless to say, it has been a struggle.

Here is a list of things I tried in the past:
1. Praying together before bed. -->This worked for about a week, and then for some reason it just fell off. I plan to bring it back.
2. Listening to the Daily Audio Bible for Kids in the car. --> The boy who was reading, bless his heart, is probably around 8 and sounds very young. It is adorable and I highly recommend this to anyone with young kids but for an almost 12 year old, it just didn't work.
3. Praying at dinner. --> I'm still currently doing this. I confess I am still slightly uncomfortable praying in front of people. Sometimes I just don't know what to say. I hear some people pray these beautiful prayers and I wonder how they do it. But then I remember that God still loves my prayers because they are from the heart and very sincere. Plus, I truly feel that I am to lead by example and if Madi (and my parents) can get anything out of my prayer then I am very happy. In the future, I plan to have everyone say something at prayer time.

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So I started writing this earlier this evening, and was then called away to check Madi's math homework (in which God taught me another valuable lesson on patience and that I need more). While I was checking her homework I also caught a glimpse at her bible verse for the week. (I don't know if I mentioned it or not but Madi attends Hill Country Christian School of Austin, hence the bible verse.) God then provided me with an "Ah ha!" moment. Or maybe, He was like "hello!? Pay attention!" In any case, why I never thought to talk to Madi about her weekly verse, I don't know, but that is going to change. In fact, it has changed. Here's what happened:

The verse for this week is out of Philemon, verse 6 - "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." (Amen and amen.)

So, as Madi was finishing up getting ready for bed, I came into her room with my Bible. I mentioned to her that I read her verse and was curious about it as Philemon is such a small book of the Bible. I showed her in my Bible, which is a life application Bible, how it gave background info on who Philemon was, who wrote the book, etc. She seemed genuinely interested!

She then started asking me questions about the Bible and I asked her questions about what she believed and thought. I can sense a little feeling of uncomfortableness when talking about God, but the breakthrough has been made! Praise God! I now know it is truly up to me to continue this with Madison. God presented this perfect situation to me and showed me what to do. He also showed me that I can do this. I can talk to Madison about Him without looking and feeling like an idiot.

Oh, and you want to know the funniest thing ever? I freely admit that I'm a huge nerd. So, I'm part of a wonderful forum called Adwoff (it's a forum for fans of Nora Roberts) and I've been a member since 2001, way before I even became a Christian. Well, my username is Philomène because I heard that name on a French movie called Amelie and really liked it. Little did I know that Philemon would be my introduction into instructing my daughter in the Lord... He really does work mysteriously...

"Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

It all starts now, part deux.

Around the middle of January 2009 I found the greatest podcast ever. It's called the Daily Audio Bible and it was exactly what I needed. I had never read the bible and I felt so ignorant. I really wanted to know more than the basic bible stories that everyone knows, but more importantly I wanted to know more about God. The DAB (Daily Audio Bible) is a podcast of the bible being read every day for a year and at the end of the year the whole bible will have been read. The reader is a man named Brian Hardin and I just love him. He reads a portion from the old testament, new testament, Psalm, and Proverbs. Since I started in late January of 09 I missed the beginning. I tried to listen to a few podcasts a day but I quickly got way behind and then I would stop listening and come back to it, etc... In short, it just didn't work out for me.

Fast forward to December 09. I'm excited because I have a new year's resolution to start 2010 with the bible and read it along with the DAB podcast every day. Not only am I going to read my bible every day but I'm also going to journal about it! This is huge for me! At that time I was excited but nervous because I have a bad habit of starting something and not finishing it. Today is Feb. 16 and I am proud to say that I have been diligent about my bible podcast and journaling. I have done it every day and I look forward to waking up (at 5am!) and spending time in God's word.

To say that the DAB has changed my life is an understatement. I think about God so many times during the day now. Because I'm in the Word daily, starting my day with it, my world is oriented to serving His Kingdom. I find myself saying a silent prayer when I get frustrated, or down, or happy. Oh, I still get angry and I still say things I shouldn't say, especially when I'm driving, but I feel like I'm on a team. I feel like I'm not alone. I have my rock, my main man, my God!

So this brings me to the main reason I decided to do this blog --> Madison. I've spent many years developing my faith, but I am ashamed to admit that I really have done little to develop hers. She used to go to church with me, but to the kids program. And then when she started middle school she stopped going. She goes to a Christian school and she learns about the bible and memorizes verses, etc, but I'm not sure if she thinks of it as part of her life or just as another class.

This issue has been heavy on my heart for sometime now. I've been praying, asking for guidance in how I should lead my daughter. I've tried to bring praying into the daily routine, but it's been rocky and sporadic. Not to mention, Madison has been really stand-offish with it. I tried to play the DAB for kids podcast in the car, but it's a bit too juvenile for her. I mean, this should be easy right? But, for some reason, it's not...

Then two or three nights ago, God answered my prayer. I had a sudden thought,"What if I start a blog that kind of documents all the things I try with Madison? And then I can look back and see what works and what doesn't work. And even better, maybe, just maybe, I can be of some help to another mom out there struggling with this same issue."

I think my issue with being a spiritual leader in my tiny family highlights a bigger fear of mine...a fear of appearing overly spiritual to others. For so long, I looked down on "religious" people --> bible bangers, as I liked to call them. And now I'm one of them! LOL! But the fear I have comes from a very real fact that there are people, even people very close to me, who will think I'm crazy, or dumb, or blind, or ignorant for believing what I believe. And that scarED me. Notice the "ed" though, past tense. I'm not scared anymore.

It all starts now.

"From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing and forceful men lay hold of it." Matthew 11:12 NIV

"The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?" Psalm 27:1 NIV

It all starts now.

My journey to faith was a long and winding road. There was never a real defining moment for me as to when I actually became a Christ follower. It wasn't a "go to bed a non-believer one day and wake up a believer the next morning" kind of thing. My road trip started way back in 2006 and didn't end until about mid 2008sih. Actually, I shouldn't say "end" because my journey of faith will never end. I'm still growing and learning. I don't ever want to stop.

Sometime in the summer of 2006, Madison and I went to visit my sister in Houston. That Sunday she invited us to go to church with her and for some reason I was willing. My sister, Ericka, attended Clear Creek Community Church in League City. So we went and dropped of Madison, who was 8 at the time, to the kid's area. Then we went to the auditorium. The seats were very comfortable, but I was a bit wary because it was church after all and who knows what would be talked about.

But for some reason I had an open mind and an open heart. I remember the verse that the sermon was based off of - "But whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:14 NIV That morning at church, I was thirsty. I wanted the water, but I didn't know how to drink it. I didn't know how to accept it. But a seed was planted, thanks to my sister. And sometimes all it takes is a little tiny seed to be planted and one day it will grow and flourish and turn into a huge fruit producing tree.

After attending that service in Houston, I wanted to find a church similar to it in Austin. I found Gateway. The slogan at Gateway Community Church is "no perfect people allowed, come as you are". Well, I am far from perfect and plus it offered free coffee so I was there. I went, sat in the back, tried to find fault with what was being said, but over time I found myself wanting to know more, wanting to do more, so I joined a small group. This was about the beginning of 2008.

The group I joined was very small, only three other ladies, and they were all believers. I made it clear from the beginning that I was unsure of what I believed, that I was at the point where I really, truly wanted to take a leap of faith and believe, but intellectually I couldn't. Our leader, Sandy, was very accepting of that. She tried to answer any questions I had and was just very supportive. She met me for coffee one day and explained what life is like with God and what life is like without God. She made it seem so easy. At the end of the study, I was just on the brink of being able to announce to the world, "I believe in God and I believe Jesus died for me."

Summer came and believe it or not I had resigned my job. I thought I was done with teaching and I was moving on to bigger and better things. During that summer, I went to France with students from the school where I taught. The whole trip I was so saddened and disappointed about my decision to not teach anymore. I told my colleague / old boss that if by some chance anything opened up to let me know and I would be happy to take it. The day after I got back from France, I got a call from my colleague saying that the other lady who was hired for my position took a job at another school and my position was open again! From that moment on I was convinced. I knew God made that happen. I also knew He had been in my life always. He is so patient and loving and I can't believe it took me so long to find Him. (I did take my job back...it was like I never left.)

So, starting the fall of 2008 I know I'm a believer, but what was the next step? I wanted to grow, I wanted to know more. I had a bible (thanks to my sis, the seed sower) and I started reading it, but I needed something that was more topical. I then heard about a book my pastor wrote called "Soul Revolution". He was offering it for free to anyone who made a commitment to read it and participate in "the 60/60 experiment". Basically, the experiment was to see what kind of difference it would make in your life if you "checked in" with God every 60 minutes. We each received timers with our books and every 60 minutes the timer would beep and I would say a little prayer. It. Was. Amazing. It definitely changed my life. I read the book and did the experiment with a small group of women from Gateway and these women also changed my life. I grew so much in this group and learned so much.

Wow...this is quite a long story. I'm going to have to finish it tomorrow. The best is yet to come, I think. :o)

"Taste and see that the Lord is good." Psalm 34:8 NIV