Hearing God...

How do you hear God?

In this journey of faith that I am and forever will be on, I often hear of people who have "heard" God tell them things. At first, I thought they were a little weird. Then I thought they were a little crazy. But after a while, I actually was jealous. I kept thinking to myself, "I want to hear God! I want him to whisper to me. Heck, I want him to shout down from the heavens and tell me what to do!!!!" And finally, I heard Him.

I think everyone knows that I'm about as single as they come. And I'm generally ok with it. (Don't worry, this isn't a "poor, single girl" blog story.) I'm very picky when it comes to men. I know what I want and I will not settle until I get it. But sometimes the mind and the body don't agree and go for different things...

Awhile back I met a guy who didn't even pop up on my radar. I knew he wasn't the guy for me for various reasons of which I won't name here. He's a nice guy and all, but not right for me. Well, somehow, all of the sudden I became hugely attracted to this guy. I couldn't stop thinking about him, all the while knowing that he was definitely NOT what I wanted in a future husband. So "guy" and I became friends and hung out a few times, just as friends. We played the texting game as well. Eventually it got to be too much for me and I wanted to stop thinking about him. I didn't want these feelings for him. Then a light went on and I remember thinking to myself, "Hey, I need to go to God with this". So I prayed about it...

This is exactly what I prayed (well, maybe not word for word, but the general gist): "Lord, I know this guy is not the one you have for me. I know you have someone special for me and I am waiting patiently and faithfully for him. Please, I ask you to take away my feelings for the wrong guy and to take away my thoughts that have to do with him." I remember saying this prayer as I was doing a little house cleaning. Then later that day as I sat down to the computer, I looked at my phone, hoping to have received a text from the guy. And all of the sudden, a thought came into my head: "Jenna, delete his contact info." At first, I thought maybe that it was my idea, but I didn't really want to delete his info. But the thought was very insistent. So I did. I deleted his info and (I'm not exaggerating) a feeling of peace came over me.

To this day, which is about three weeks later, I have hardly thought about him at all except to think to myself "I haven't thought about so and so in awhile". I KNOW in my heart that what I "thought" was really God talking to me. He spoke to me! But you know what I think is more important and more significant that Him speaking to me (because I now know that He has spoken to me before)? The fact that I OBEYED. I did what He told me to do and HE ANSWERED MY PRAYER! God is so gloriously wonderful! He truly is mysterious and awesome.

So I'll ask you again, how do you hear God?

"Give ear to my words, O Lord,
consider my sighing.
Listen to my cry for help,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray.
In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation."

~ Psalm 5: 1-3 (NIV)

I am here...

The past 36 hours have been quite an emotional roller coaster for me. Yesterday morning, I found out that I was quite possibly going to be surplussed at my school. There is another high school opening up in the district which means not as many students will be attending my school, therefore not as many teachers are needed. Anyone who is surplussed is still guaranteed a job in the district, so you're probably thinking why is it such a big deal... Well, anyone who knows me knows that where I teach is very special to me and it is my home. So the thought of leaving was not only a shock to the system, but just so very saddening.

After the initial shock, I prayed. I asked God to be with me, to help me get through this, to give me courage and strength to accept whatever His will was with grace and positivity. And I felt ok with things. Oh, I was still sad, but I knew that God would put me where he wanted me.

But then, of course, my mind starts wandering... I think back to almost two years ago when I actually resigned from my job. I, for some reason, thought that I wasn't meant to be a teacher anymore. And after a summer of realizing I had made a HUGE mistake, a miracle happened. The person who was hired to take my spot decided to not take the job! And I was able to step right back in before my resignation actually went through. At that moment, I knew that God was telling me, "Jenna, you still have work to do."

So then I wonder and ask God, why did you keep me at my school only to have me leave two years later? Do you need me to go somewhere else? Again, I prayed for clarity, to be able to see His path for me, to know which direction to go, and of course for Him to be with me, and to help me get through it.

I woke up this morning and I felt a weight on me. Driving into work, I spoke with my work BFF and we agreed to meet up for "coffee-n-copies". We do this weekly, sometimes a few times a week just to chat and chill. Immediately after we hung up, a sadness fell on me knowing that I wouldn't be able to do that anymore if I were to leave. Then my thoughts ran to other things I knew I would be sad about. I was just depressed.

I usually listen to podcasts in the car, but I wasn't up for my LOST podcast. (Anyone who knows LOST, knows that you have to pay attention and I was not in any form to pay attention.) So I put on KLOVE and a song came on... Everything else was very quiet, and all I could do is hear this song. I know with every ounce of my being that it was God talking to me. It was so beautiful.

These are some of the lyrics: (song is by Plumb, called "Beautiful History")

I am here
I’m holding you
You’ll make it through this
I am here
I am here

I started crying, not because I was so sad, but because I felt so blessed knowing that He was there with me, holding me.

When I got to school, I went into the lounge for my coffee-n-copy time and was pulled into the principal's office! No, I was not in trouble. LOL! My department chair and my principal wanted to personally tell me that I was going to be returning next year. I am not going anywhere.

God was right. I made it through this... because He was there for me.

Now it is clear to me that I HAVE SOME WORK TO DO!! It's now two times that He has sent this message to me.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Matthew 28:20 NIV

Although I made it through, two other people in the department did not. One of the surplussed teachers is my very good friend whom I will miss so very much. I know we will continue to be good friends, but it just won't be the same at school without her. Te voy a extrañar, Daisy...

Philemon (AKA Philomène / Jenna on Adwoff)

I mentioned in my previous posts that my main intent in writing a blog is to document my trials and errors as a mom. More specifically, in bringing God into not only the life of Madison, but into our relationship. God is at the center of my life and I pray that He will be at the center of Madi's. He blessed me with the magnificent gift of a daughter. It is not only my duty based on what I believe, but as a Christ follower as well to raise her in the instruction of the Lord.

"Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn - for he has done it." Psalm 22:30-31

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4 (Although I choose to substitute "fathers" for "parents".)

Now, for someone who was "raised in the church" this might be second nature. I can imagine that those parents have a plethora of stories, memories, and experiences from which to use now that they are parents. But I really don't have this background knowledge. I didn't grow up with the Bible and with instruction in the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I grew up in a very loving and caring family. Looking back, I know God was present. He was with us. But it wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I really knew the stories in the bible. And even now, I am still learning and processing...

What I'm trying to say is that it's been REALLY hard for me to bring Christ into our lives. For so long it was unnatural for me to have Him play a role in my life and now I'm trying to bring Him up in everyday conversation... Needless to say, it has been a struggle.

Here is a list of things I tried in the past:
1. Praying together before bed. -->This worked for about a week, and then for some reason it just fell off. I plan to bring it back.
2. Listening to the Daily Audio Bible for Kids in the car. --> The boy who was reading, bless his heart, is probably around 8 and sounds very young. It is adorable and I highly recommend this to anyone with young kids but for an almost 12 year old, it just didn't work.
3. Praying at dinner. --> I'm still currently doing this. I confess I am still slightly uncomfortable praying in front of people. Sometimes I just don't know what to say. I hear some people pray these beautiful prayers and I wonder how they do it. But then I remember that God still loves my prayers because they are from the heart and very sincere. Plus, I truly feel that I am to lead by example and if Madi (and my parents) can get anything out of my prayer then I am very happy. In the future, I plan to have everyone say something at prayer time.

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So I started writing this earlier this evening, and was then called away to check Madi's math homework (in which God taught me another valuable lesson on patience and that I need more). While I was checking her homework I also caught a glimpse at her bible verse for the week. (I don't know if I mentioned it or not but Madi attends Hill Country Christian School of Austin, hence the bible verse.) God then provided me with an "Ah ha!" moment. Or maybe, He was like "hello!? Pay attention!" In any case, why I never thought to talk to Madi about her weekly verse, I don't know, but that is going to change. In fact, it has changed. Here's what happened:

The verse for this week is out of Philemon, verse 6 - "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." (Amen and amen.)

So, as Madi was finishing up getting ready for bed, I came into her room with my Bible. I mentioned to her that I read her verse and was curious about it as Philemon is such a small book of the Bible. I showed her in my Bible, which is a life application Bible, how it gave background info on who Philemon was, who wrote the book, etc. She seemed genuinely interested!

She then started asking me questions about the Bible and I asked her questions about what she believed and thought. I can sense a little feeling of uncomfortableness when talking about God, but the breakthrough has been made! Praise God! I now know it is truly up to me to continue this with Madison. God presented this perfect situation to me and showed me what to do. He also showed me that I can do this. I can talk to Madison about Him without looking and feeling like an idiot.

Oh, and you want to know the funniest thing ever? I freely admit that I'm a huge nerd. So, I'm part of a wonderful forum called Adwoff (it's a forum for fans of Nora Roberts) and I've been a member since 2001, way before I even became a Christian. Well, my username is Philomène because I heard that name on a French movie called Amelie and really liked it. Little did I know that Philemon would be my introduction into instructing my daughter in the Lord... He really does work mysteriously...

"Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

It all starts now, part deux.

Around the middle of January 2009 I found the greatest podcast ever. It's called the Daily Audio Bible and it was exactly what I needed. I had never read the bible and I felt so ignorant. I really wanted to know more than the basic bible stories that everyone knows, but more importantly I wanted to know more about God. The DAB (Daily Audio Bible) is a podcast of the bible being read every day for a year and at the end of the year the whole bible will have been read. The reader is a man named Brian Hardin and I just love him. He reads a portion from the old testament, new testament, Psalm, and Proverbs. Since I started in late January of 09 I missed the beginning. I tried to listen to a few podcasts a day but I quickly got way behind and then I would stop listening and come back to it, etc... In short, it just didn't work out for me.

Fast forward to December 09. I'm excited because I have a new year's resolution to start 2010 with the bible and read it along with the DAB podcast every day. Not only am I going to read my bible every day but I'm also going to journal about it! This is huge for me! At that time I was excited but nervous because I have a bad habit of starting something and not finishing it. Today is Feb. 16 and I am proud to say that I have been diligent about my bible podcast and journaling. I have done it every day and I look forward to waking up (at 5am!) and spending time in God's word.

To say that the DAB has changed my life is an understatement. I think about God so many times during the day now. Because I'm in the Word daily, starting my day with it, my world is oriented to serving His Kingdom. I find myself saying a silent prayer when I get frustrated, or down, or happy. Oh, I still get angry and I still say things I shouldn't say, especially when I'm driving, but I feel like I'm on a team. I feel like I'm not alone. I have my rock, my main man, my God!

So this brings me to the main reason I decided to do this blog --> Madison. I've spent many years developing my faith, but I am ashamed to admit that I really have done little to develop hers. She used to go to church with me, but to the kids program. And then when she started middle school she stopped going. She goes to a Christian school and she learns about the bible and memorizes verses, etc, but I'm not sure if she thinks of it as part of her life or just as another class.

This issue has been heavy on my heart for sometime now. I've been praying, asking for guidance in how I should lead my daughter. I've tried to bring praying into the daily routine, but it's been rocky and sporadic. Not to mention, Madison has been really stand-offish with it. I tried to play the DAB for kids podcast in the car, but it's a bit too juvenile for her. I mean, this should be easy right? But, for some reason, it's not...

Then two or three nights ago, God answered my prayer. I had a sudden thought,"What if I start a blog that kind of documents all the things I try with Madison? And then I can look back and see what works and what doesn't work. And even better, maybe, just maybe, I can be of some help to another mom out there struggling with this same issue."

I think my issue with being a spiritual leader in my tiny family highlights a bigger fear of mine...a fear of appearing overly spiritual to others. For so long, I looked down on "religious" people --> bible bangers, as I liked to call them. And now I'm one of them! LOL! But the fear I have comes from a very real fact that there are people, even people very close to me, who will think I'm crazy, or dumb, or blind, or ignorant for believing what I believe. And that scarED me. Notice the "ed" though, past tense. I'm not scared anymore.

It all starts now.

"From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing and forceful men lay hold of it." Matthew 11:12 NIV

"The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?" Psalm 27:1 NIV

It all starts now.

My journey to faith was a long and winding road. There was never a real defining moment for me as to when I actually became a Christ follower. It wasn't a "go to bed a non-believer one day and wake up a believer the next morning" kind of thing. My road trip started way back in 2006 and didn't end until about mid 2008sih. Actually, I shouldn't say "end" because my journey of faith will never end. I'm still growing and learning. I don't ever want to stop.

Sometime in the summer of 2006, Madison and I went to visit my sister in Houston. That Sunday she invited us to go to church with her and for some reason I was willing. My sister, Ericka, attended Clear Creek Community Church in League City. So we went and dropped of Madison, who was 8 at the time, to the kid's area. Then we went to the auditorium. The seats were very comfortable, but I was a bit wary because it was church after all and who knows what would be talked about.

But for some reason I had an open mind and an open heart. I remember the verse that the sermon was based off of - "But whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:14 NIV That morning at church, I was thirsty. I wanted the water, but I didn't know how to drink it. I didn't know how to accept it. But a seed was planted, thanks to my sister. And sometimes all it takes is a little tiny seed to be planted and one day it will grow and flourish and turn into a huge fruit producing tree.

After attending that service in Houston, I wanted to find a church similar to it in Austin. I found Gateway. The slogan at Gateway Community Church is "no perfect people allowed, come as you are". Well, I am far from perfect and plus it offered free coffee so I was there. I went, sat in the back, tried to find fault with what was being said, but over time I found myself wanting to know more, wanting to do more, so I joined a small group. This was about the beginning of 2008.

The group I joined was very small, only three other ladies, and they were all believers. I made it clear from the beginning that I was unsure of what I believed, that I was at the point where I really, truly wanted to take a leap of faith and believe, but intellectually I couldn't. Our leader, Sandy, was very accepting of that. She tried to answer any questions I had and was just very supportive. She met me for coffee one day and explained what life is like with God and what life is like without God. She made it seem so easy. At the end of the study, I was just on the brink of being able to announce to the world, "I believe in God and I believe Jesus died for me."

Summer came and believe it or not I had resigned my job. I thought I was done with teaching and I was moving on to bigger and better things. During that summer, I went to France with students from the school where I taught. The whole trip I was so saddened and disappointed about my decision to not teach anymore. I told my colleague / old boss that if by some chance anything opened up to let me know and I would be happy to take it. The day after I got back from France, I got a call from my colleague saying that the other lady who was hired for my position took a job at another school and my position was open again! From that moment on I was convinced. I knew God made that happen. I also knew He had been in my life always. He is so patient and loving and I can't believe it took me so long to find Him. (I did take my job back...it was like I never left.)

So, starting the fall of 2008 I know I'm a believer, but what was the next step? I wanted to grow, I wanted to know more. I had a bible (thanks to my sis, the seed sower) and I started reading it, but I needed something that was more topical. I then heard about a book my pastor wrote called "Soul Revolution". He was offering it for free to anyone who made a commitment to read it and participate in "the 60/60 experiment". Basically, the experiment was to see what kind of difference it would make in your life if you "checked in" with God every 60 minutes. We each received timers with our books and every 60 minutes the timer would beep and I would say a little prayer. It. Was. Amazing. It definitely changed my life. I read the book and did the experiment with a small group of women from Gateway and these women also changed my life. I grew so much in this group and learned so much.

Wow...this is quite a long story. I'm going to have to finish it tomorrow. The best is yet to come, I think. :o)

"Taste and see that the Lord is good." Psalm 34:8 NIV